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Parent guide
My SEN child is hitting, biting or raging: what to do tonight
If you are reading this after a frightening evening, you are not a bad parent and your child is not a bad child. When a child with SEN is lashing out, biting, kicking, throwing things or seeming completely unreachable, the immediate issue is safety. But the longer-term work is usually about understanding overwhelming stress, reducing the load and getting the right support around the family.
This page uses the words that many exhausted parents use in private: “hitting”, “biting”, “raging” and sometimes “violent”. They describe a frightening experience. They do not have to be the whole story of your child. A meltdown is an intense response to an overwhelming situation; it can involve shouting, crying, kicking, lashing out or biting, but it is not the same thing as deliberate “naughty behaviour” or a tantrum.[1]
First: make tonight safer, not perfect
In the middle of an episode, your job is not to teach a lesson, secure an apology or work out the whole reason it happened. Your job is to reduce immediate risk while lowering the temperature as far as you can. Think: fewer words, less movement, less noise, more space.
- Move other children and vulnerable people to safety first. If a sibling is frightened or being hurt, it is appropriate to get them to a separate safe room with a calm adult where possible. That is not rejecting your dysregulated child; it is a safety decision.
- Reduce the audience and the sensory load. Turn down the television, dim harsh lights if you can, move unnecessary people away and stop repeated demands or questions. A quiet, predictable space can reduce information overload.[1]
- Use very few words. Try a low, calm voice and short phrases such as “I am here”, “You are safe”, “We can have space” or “I will talk when your body is calmer.” Do not expect a reasoned conversation while your child is overwhelmed.
- Remove hazards rather than trying to win the argument. If it is safe to do so, move sharp, heavy or breakable items away. Keep a clear route out of the room for yourself and other children.
- Do not use physical restraint as a routine response. NHS guidance cautions carers not to restrain a person unless there is a risk and they lack the capacity to make a decision.[3] If restraint, emergency intervention or injury is becoming part of family life, this is a sign to seek urgent professional advice and create a written safety plan.
What may be happening beneath the behaviour
Behaviour is communication, but it is not always a message a child can put into words. A child may be overwhelmed by sensory input, hunger, pain, fatigue, anxiety, an unexpected change, a difficult transition, a demand that feels impossible or the cumulative pressure of holding it together all day at school. Communication differences can make it even harder to ask for a break, explain pain or say “this is too much”.[1]
That does not mean every incident has one neat explanation. It means that looking only at the visible behaviour often misses what needs support. The PDA Society describes distressed behaviours in PDAers as potentially rooted in extreme anxiety or panic, with demands, sensory overload and loss of autonomy often relevant. It uses an iceberg image: what you can see is the tip; underneath may be fear, pain, trauma, uncertainty or loss of control.[2]
| What you may see | What might be sitting underneath | A first response to try |
|---|---|---|
| Hitting, kicking, biting or throwing | Overload, panic, inability to communicate, pain, a sudden demand or a build-up of stress | Prioritise space and safety; use fewer words; reduce demands until the child is calmer |
| Repeated “no”, refusal, running away or hiding | Anxiety, fear of getting it wrong, a demand that feels threatening, loss of autonomy | Pause, offer a genuine choice where possible, lower the pressure and return later |
| Escalation after school or at bedtime | Masking all day, exhaustion, hunger, sensory overload, transition stress or lack of recovery time | Build in decompression, food, predictable routines and fewer questions immediately after the transition |
| A child who suddenly seems silent, frozen or unreachable | Shutdown, dissociation, overload or fear | Give time and space; avoid forcing eye contact or conversation; ensure safety and check in later |
These are possibilities, not diagnoses. A sudden change in behaviour, significant pain, sleep problems, seizures, medication changes, injury, self-harm or behaviour that is escalating quickly should be discussed with a GP or relevant health professional.
Look for the “rumble”, not just the explosion
Many families become experts at dealing with the biggest crisis while receiving very little help to spot the earlier signs. The National Autistic Society calls this the “rumble stage”: it may look like pacing, repetitive questioning, rocking, becoming unusually still, agitated speech, clinginess, silliness, refusal or an abrupt change in tone.[1] Your child’s signs may be entirely different. The point is not to become hypervigilant; it is to notice patterns early enough to lower the load.
For two weeks, make a short factual note after difficult incidents. Record what happened before, during and after; the time of day; sleep; food; illness or pain; transitions; demands; sensory environment; who was present; and what helped recovery. You are not building a case against your child. You are collecting clues about what makes life less safe and what makes it more manageable.
Questions worth asking after the storm
When everyone is calm, ask yourself: Was there an unexpected change? Was the room noisy, busy or hot? Had my child been holding it together all day? Were we rushing? Was the request too big, too vague or too sudden? Was there a sibling conflict, a difficult school day, pain, hunger or an unmet sensory need? What helped even a little? A pattern does not excuse harm, but it gives you somewhere constructive to start.
How to talk after an incident without making it worse
Wait until your child is genuinely calmer. Repair is more useful than a forced apology delivered while their body is still in survival mode. Depending on their age and communication profile, this may mean sitting alongside them, using pictures, drawing what happened, using a favourite character or talking while doing another activity.
You might say: “That was really hard. Your body looked overwhelmed. Hitting hurts people, so we need a plan for keeping everyone safe next time. What would help when you start to feel that big feeling?” Keep the boundary clear — people must be safe — while making it clear that the child is not being rejected for having a hard time.
For some children, a verbal conversation is too demanding. A simple colour scale, a card showing “space”, a picture of headphones, a safe cushion to hit, a chewable item recommended for their needs, a break card or a visual plan for “when my body gets too big” may work better. What helps will be individual. The aim is to build alternatives before the next crisis, not to hand a child a strategy in the middle of one.
Siblings: safety, honesty and their right to be cared for
Parents often feel torn between protecting the child who is dysregulated and protecting the child who is being hurt or frightened. You do not have to choose. Both children need protection. A sibling should never be expected to absorb being hit, to “understand” danger, or to keep scary incidents secret because their brother or sister has SEN.
A simple family safety plan can make a big difference. Decide in advance where siblings go, who takes them, what words you use, and how you will reconnect afterwards. For younger children, this may be as basic as “If voices get big, come to the blue chair with Mum/Dad.” For older siblings, it may include a code word, a charged phone, a safe neighbour or a clear agreement that they can leave the room without being blamed.
What to ask school, your GP and CAMHS for
When home feels unsafe, families often need coordinated help rather than another generic suggestion to “be consistent”. Start by putting the impact in writing. Give dates, describe what is happening factually, include injuries or sibling impact where relevant, explain what has already been tried and ask for a named person and a written response.
Ask school for a joined-up support meeting
Ask the SENCO, pastoral lead or headteacher for a meeting focused on a crisis and regulation support plan. Ask the school to consider what they are seeing, whether your child is masking until they get home, what adjustments may reduce the cumulative load, what communication system is needed, and what information should be shared between home and school. If behaviour is causing concern at school, ask for the school’s risk assessment and support plan to reflect your child’s SEN rather than relying solely on sanctions.
Ask your GP or another involved professional for health support
NHS guidance says that if you are finding it hard to cope with a child’s behaviour, you can ask a GP to refer you to a specialist.[3] YoungMinds explains that a CAMHS referral may come through a GP, school staff, a social worker, a health visitor or another professional, and that some areas accept self-referrals.[4] Give a detailed picture: what happens, how often, triggers and warning signs, impact on sleep, learning, relationships and safety, and the support already tried. Ask exactly what the referral is for, where it is being sent and what happens while you wait.
Ask for family and carer support too
You are not meant to carry this alone. Depending on your local area and circumstances, ask about a carer’s assessment, short breaks, early help, family support, SENDIASS, voluntary-sector support and a referral to children’s social care for support under section 17 of the Children Act 1989 if your child may be a child in need. Asking for support is not the same as asking to be judged. It is asking the system to see the reality of family life and respond before it becomes a crisis.
A free letter to start the conversation
It can be difficult to write a calm, clear email after a frightening incident. The free template below helps you ask your child’s school, SENCO, GP or local authority for a crisis and regulation support meeting. It prompts you to set out the facts, sibling-safety concerns, what has been tried and the practical support you are requesting.
Create a free crisis-support plan request letter Choose the details that apply to your family, generate your letter free, and optionally request an expert review within 48 hours for £20.Where to go from here
Tonight, focus on safety and rest. Tomorrow, make one practical move: write down the incident, contact the SENCO, book a GP appointment, ask a trusted person for help, or use the letter template. You do not have to solve everything in one conversation. The first goal is a plan that makes the next difficult moment a little safer for everyone.
[1] National Autistic Society: Meltdowns — a guide for all audiences.
[2] PDA Society: Understanding and supporting distressed behaviours in PDAers.
[3] NHS: How to deal with challenging behaviour in children.
[4] YoungMinds: A parents’ guide to CAMHS.